Monday, April 18, 2011

Day 1: Introduction:

As I regained consciousness all I could think of was gathering the strength to take one more breath, to make just one shout loud enough to distract him, a sound loud enough for my sleeping father to hear, a shout for help.
Four years ago I was the victim of domestic violence in the worst way a person could imagine. I want to share my story over the next few weeks, months, years…not in need of sympathy or pity, but for healing, giving a voice to survivors, and a human aspect to violence. My greatest hope on this journey is to give just one person the courage to recognize the warning signs of an abusive relationship, struggles a person faces when involved or attempting to leave an abusive relationship, actions any one can take to seek help, and most importantly how a victim can be a survivor!
I look forward to sharing this journey, although frightening. It is going to challenge me to be real about what happened, the acknowledgment that I was not the cause of another’s actions, my responsibility in the events that occurred, the effect it had on everyone around me, and re-trace those moments in vivid detail all in order to move forward in regaining/redefining my identity.
Day 1
As I was seeking answers to the “why me’s” that haunt me daily I came across this quote “Just when a caterpillar thinks its life is over God goes and turns it into a beautiful butterfly. “ At first I just copy and pasted it to a folder I kept with inspirational quotes simply because I like butterflies; not really taking the depth of its message into consideration.
It wasn’t until tonight; after one of my “panic attacks” did I take a closer look into this quote. What do panic attacks and quotes have to do with anything?...You see, when I have a panic attack I begin to shake uncontrollably, my palms sweat, I get chills, I feel as though I can’t breathe, and I begin to feel unbelievably overwhelmed. I feel as though doom is awaiting me, I feel as though my physical symptoms have completely spun out of control and there is nothing in that moment I can do to regain it. I feel helpless. Positive I have a severe neurological disease or tumor that creates all of this I begin to let the fear take over. Doctor after doctor have reassured me that physically I am in tip top shape and these “panic attacks” are anxiety and fear taking hold. However, while in the midst of this torture a doctor’s reassurance offers little sense of relief. Logically 3 years of therapy and many meditations have shown me I am always in control. Yet, for an hour and a half I struggle to stop shaking, regain my breath, and find comfort and safety in my surroundings.
Distractions have always been the best “cure” for my panic attacks. So tonight I search for some inspiration rather than a diagnosis. This brings me to the Caterpillar and Butterfly. As I embarked on my healing I am beginning to see the significance of this message. I am the caterpillar…or at least on my way out of this cocoon of fear and shame in hopes of gaining my wings. So tonight as I fall asleep I plan to design my wings…what colors are they going to be, what vibrant pattern can I bring out, how graceful they will glide through the air as they decorate the blue horizon.


  1. Beautiful...just like you, who is very loved. Walking out of the darkness is the most terrifing and freeing experience all wrapped in one - aye?

  2. Thank you for taking a moment to read my story and share your love!

  3. Thank you for sharing your story. I have read what you have written from start to finish, and will read more as you offer. I am a domestic violence service provider and always interested in hearing the stories of survivors. It always grounds us and keeps us focused on why we do what we do. Thank you for this. Wishing you all of the very best.

  4. Thank you Anonymous! The work you do is so vital to the process of our healing! Without your support and kindness we would have no where to turn to for direction!
    God Bless You!

  5. You are free! It may not feel like it at times, but you are. Your memories are powerful - and your experiences very real. You will heal in time. Meditate on the Word of God - there you will find peace for your soul.

    John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

    Peace be unto you in abundance.