Tomorrow I have an appointment to see a neurologist for these weird, and frightening muscle spasms I have been experiencing. I get these moments when it feels like my esophagus twitches or some times if I roll to one side the muscles on that side twitch. Not to mention the constant twitching in my legs and the occasional eye lid spasm. Grrrrrrrrr.....all of it is so frightening..the unknown. Of course my imagination goes immediately to the worst! Oh my gosh I have Aortic spasms, Multiple Sclerosis or Parkinson's or worse a brain tumor. These thoughts become so over powering some days that it makes EVERYTHING worse. I spend hours and hours surfing the web for diagnosis or clues as to what is happening. None of this does me any good, it only leads to more fear and more irrational thoughts.
A new skill I am attempting to grasp is logical thinking. Seems logical doesn't it? Thinking things through rationally and using common sense. Yeah well...not so easy to do when fear consumes you.
While working with all my wonderful clinicians I have begun to look at things a bit differently. Together they have all begun to teach me that our bodies have a memory and whether we are consciously thinking about the attack in the moment our bodies are. They claim that our bodies hold these memories and let them ruminate in all kinds of nasty ways. It isn't until we deal with these emotions that we can then free ourselves from the physical manifestations. This means opening Pandora's emotional box.
My "box" looks like this:
Crying for no apparent reason, lashing out in a rage unprovoked, wanting to be alone and then wanting to be surrounded by everyone, hot flashes then chills, exhaustion and then insomnia...Up and down! (Disclaimer: yes all my clinicians are aware of all of this and yes they all agree it comes with the territory of PTSD and a part of the healing process) Still doesn't make it feel any better. Some days I only experience one or two from the list and on a good day they are quiet and pass quickly. But on the day that I get broadsided they can all happen multiple times throughout a 24 our period. It is those days I rely on my friends, family, and clinicians to keep me grounded by reminding me it is all a part of the process and one day these emotions will themselves be only a memory.
So tomorrow I set out to quiet the irrational thoughts and prove there is nothing harmful happening in my body. I am not dying from MS or Parkinson's, and my heart is strong. I am setting out to settle this matter for once and for all so I can rationally tell myself it is just the healing process taking place and it doesn't always look or feel pretty. So here is wishing me positive thoughts and healing!