Friday, May 6, 2011

Day 11: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Disorder may refer to :
* Chaos, unpredictability and in the metaphysical sense, it is the opposite of law and order.

Chaos, that is exactly what my body and spirit is experiencing lately. Insomnia, but then exhausted, loss of appetite then starving, happy then crying. Uggggghhhhh! All of these are "expected" according to all of my practitioners. Turns out opening Pandora's emotional box reaps havoc on the body and spirit.

So far I have seen a cardiologist for palpitations, a neurologist for tremors and lack of sleep, a physical therapist for chronic headaches, and a therapist for mental stability (if there is such a thing). Guess what everyone's conclusions are....... Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am told I should be thankful that there is nothing "major" wrong with me. Major?...PTSD feels major! I admit I am thankful and counting my blessings, but some days I wish it had a diagnosis that could be "cured". Today I feel PTSD is incurable. I feel as though it is going to overpower me for another 4 years. Some days I think it would be easier if I had MS or anemia; something that a prescription or a multivitamin could cure. Today I feel as though I am cursed with PTSD for life and there is not resolution.

A light has appeared on the horizon...After a therapy session and sharing my current perspective on PTSD my therapist kindly reminded me that PTSD and anxiety is curable and has resolution. It is chaos today, but it is a chaos that can be organized and overpowered! I admit I am still extremely skeptical, but am holding out hope for gaining the skills to regain power over the PTSD and take back control over my life. The first step is allowing myself to experience the PTSD and panic attacks when they happen rather than fighting them. Whoa...just sit there and let it happen? Surrender? That sounds like the hardest, most frightening first step I have ever needed to take. But, I take a deep breath and think "bring it on, I can and will do this"!

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